Pan Dulce and Personal Growth 

Dear Reader,

I will start by admitting that part of me feels guilty writing this. For most of my life, I have put everyone else's needs before my own. But I think it is finally time for me to heal, choose myself, and become the best version of who I am meant to be.

I am not a writer, and I do not consider myself a particularly good one. Still, I hope this blog reaches any parent who has been - or is currently - in a dark place. I want you to know that you are not alone. You are loved, and you are already everything you think you need to be and more.

I have struggled with anxiety my entire life. I do not know a life without it. One of my earliest memories of anxiety is from high school, when I had to turn on Clifford the Big Red Dog every morning before school. At the time, I did not understand why it made me feel better. Part of me even thought it was strange or abnormal. But it brought me comfort, so I kept doing it.

You may have noticed the name of my blog, Entre Frijoles y Feelings, and guessed that I come from a Hispanic background. In many Hispanic households, anxiety and depression are not always recognized as real illnesses. That often goes hand in hand with a lack of open communication about emotions.

Do not get me wrong - I cannot imagine my life without my mom.

I do not blame my parents, anymore. They raised me based on how they were raised and on what they knew at the time. In addition to the lack of communication about feelings, I had experienced trauma that no child should ever have to endure - though, unfortunately, far too many do. I am not ready to talk about it yet…but maybe one day I will be.

My vision for this blog is to share different chapters of my life, one section at a time. For now, I think this offers some helpful insight into my mental health and where my story begins.

In 2020, my life changed - and not because of COVID. My beautiful daughter was born, giving me one of my greatest reasons to keep going. My husband and I were young, driven, and in love. We had our ups and downs, but we both knew we wanted to grow and become better for our daughter.

Although I found peace in her happiness, I was drowning inside my own mind. Postpartum depression was intense, and it took me a long time to begin feeling like myself again. No one really tells you that you may grieve the person you were before becoming a mother, or that accepting your new life can take time.

You feel guilty for missing your old self because you believe you should be happy. You should enjoy every moment of motherhood. Those expectations create a constant battle in your mind - especially when you enter motherhood without healthy ways to cope with anxiety and depression.

Still, you try your best. You try to be the best mother you can be, maintain a social life, nurture your relationship, and meet all the expectations society places on you.

Whoa... I am exhausted just thinking about it…

Then there were two...

My strong-willed second daughter truly changed our lives for the better. I never thought I would be mentally ready for two children, but there I was, pushing through. Although pregnancy was difficult for me mentally, I knew I wanted my first daughter to have a lifelong friend.

My second pregnancy was, of course, different. I would even say it was better in some ways. Postpartum, however, was worse.

I felt like I was breaking up with my first daughter. Like I had abandoned her. Like I had chosen my second daughter over her... and it destroyed me.

During that first week, I slept a total of three hours. I had never felt so broken, useless, and defeated. My husband was amazing, and I was incredibly thankful for him, but I could not even process our relationship at the time. I was simply trying to survive.

It took me a long time to feel okay again. For the longest time, I could not take both girls out by myself because I was afraid I would not do a good job. I worried that I would not have the mental capacity to handle a toddler meltdown while caring for a baby, too.

To keep this blog from becoming too long, I will fast-forward to today.

I have a very active lifestyle, my dream corporate job, a home of our own, and, most importantly, a healthy and loving family. I wish my mind could understand that this is everything I have ever wanted. There is nothing more I could ask for.

So why do I continue to fall into deep depression?

Why can't I just be grateful for everything I have?

Why can't I enjoy playing blocks with my daughters instead of wanting to sleep all day?

And what exactly is bipolar disorder?

We are on a journey to find peace within ourselves - learning to accept both the lows and the highs, while doing everything we can to ensure our children become the best versions of themselves. Maybe breaking generational trauma does not mean having everything figured out. Maybe it means choosing to heal, one day at a time.

Love,

Entre Frijoles y Feelings